If you follow me on Facebook/Twitter, you're probably already familiar with the little piece of sketch comedy I've affectionately hash-tagged #ShitMyKidsSay. My children are - for lack of a better phrase - completely f*cking hilarious. A 13 yo boy with special needs and a 9yo girl who thinks the world revolves around her, the stuff they blow out with sometimes is too good NOT to share. I've been keeping track of their nonsense forever, so these span over the last few years.
Without further ado, I present to you now, Shit My Kids Say: The Highlights (in no particular order)...
-My son told me he is trying to grow a mustache because "mustaches make a man classy".
-My son asked, "What if our teeth were flaccid and only got hard when we got hungry?"
*door slams outside*
Girl: is that daddy?
Me: no, its the UPS man
Girl: but I want daddy
Me: *opens the door to accept my package* well, you can call the UPS guy daddy if you want
UPS guy: 😳😳
-My son's thoughts on kissing: "Our mouths are connected to our butts through the digestive tract so when we kiss, we're basically making a giant tube, butthole to butthole."
-My son is currently listing all of the OSHA violations in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. 🤦♀️
-I walked passed my daughter's room and heard her belting out White Wedding by Billy Idol from her bed.
Girl: Are you watching Titanic?
Me: No, I'm watching Overboard.
Girl: I wish it was like Titanic.
Me: why?
Girl: I'd like to see a bunch of people plunge into the icy water and die.
-My daughter practicing on her new skates: "Did you see that sweet turn? Like smooth jazz on a Friday night."
-I served meatloaf for tonight. My son sat at the table and immediately asked what his dinner would do for love. 🤦♀️😂
-Sitting next to my son on the couch.
Me: your feet smell like cheese. Go take a shower.
Son: cheese? You gouda be kidding me.
Me: *laughs* I'll make dinner when you get out. What do you wanna eat?
Son: *mumbles as he walks away.* I can't make these decisions provolone.
-My daughter is upstairs belting out "I Kissed a Girl" like she's on Star Search.
-My daughter just told me she doesn't like Quiet Riot because they're not quiet and she doesn't like liars.
-My daughter's reaction to chocolate chip pancakes for lunch: "Its a taste sensation!! Every morsel is a bready celebration inside my mouth!"
-Daughter: I was invited to have dinner with an author! Isn't that cool?
Me: You have dinner with an author every night
-Words of wisdom from my son: "Mommy, you're like a donut. All curves and totally sweet."
-Woman at Dr's office: No work today, huh?
Me: Oh, well I work from home.
Woman: Really? Every day? What do you do?
Son (shouts across the room): She writes adult books that I'm not allowed to read!
-Words of wisdom from my son: "Behind every man is a strong woman, and the stronger the woman, the better the man."
-Dating advice from my son: When taking out a girl, if she says she doesn't want to order any food, make sure you double your fry order just in case.
-Son: Dad, can you make me a bagel?
Me: *standing by the fridge* I got it, buddy.
Son: No, I want dad to do it. You do too much already.
-Overheard on son's tablet: this skirt is too short. Look it barely covers my booty.
Me: what are you watching!?
Son: *grinning like a fool* a very enjoyable video about clothing
Me: Right. You're just watching booty.
Son: well, ya, who doesn’t enjoy a nice booty?
-Son: Mommy, you look beautiful
Me: *lifts a brow* what brought on that sudden compliment
Son: I just opened my eyes and there you were
-There's an event tonight at my kid's school called The Soup-er Bowl. Each class made a different soup and then there's a party to taste them. I said, "It’s so cold, I can't wait to try some soup." My daughter looked me dead in the eye and yelled, "NO SOUP FOR YOU!"
-Girl: This book ends on a handkerchief.
Me: I think the word you're looking for is "cliffhanger."
-Boy: What are you making?
Me: buffalo chicken bites
Boy: *thinks hard* so if I put hot sauce on a buffalo, would that make it buffalo buffalo?
-Me: you don't have to wear that mask in the car
Daughter: I like it. It looks good on me. My eyes are beautiful.
-Me: *to son* What do you want for breakfast? I have an avocado. I can make Avacado toast.
13yo: *mock horror* But if I eat that, I'll never buy a house someday!